So I'm in one of those fancy sit-down restaurants, you know cloth napkins and what have you. Not our usual fare, but we're classy and down with that kind of crap.
Well the first course comes (I told you this place was classy) and its a salad. Now I love salads but this thing had cheese on it. Cheese! Well this is obviously an outrage. So I tell the waiter that, "This is an outrage! Bring me another and you don't wanna know what'll happen if there is so much as one shred of cheese on it!"
Well of course, that didn't sit well with Lydia, "Dear, you're making a scene."
Oh right Lydia, I'm the one making a scene. There's cheese on my salad and I'm the one making a scene?!
"Dear please," Lydia mutters under her breath, trying to hide her face, "You're acting like an animal. Please just let it go."
I'm an animal now am I? Well an animal wouldn't stand for this and it sure as heck can't handle cheese on its salad, cause certain monkeys are lactose intolerant, I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere or saw it on some TV show.
Lydia keeps talking but I can't understand her, cause I'm a lactose intolerant monkey now (or at least that's what Lydia wants, so I oblige) and monkeys can't understand English.
Well some can understand sign language. (Now I know I read that somewhere!)
So I'm trying to communicate with Lydia using some crude form of monkey sign language but its not working and I can tell Lydia is getting frustrated (even lactose intolerant monkeys can understand human facial cues.)
I'm still pretty hungry at this point (boy I was looking forward to that salad), so I try to sign for a banana, cause that's what monkeys eat, plus bananas are high in potassium. (Potassium is 'K' on the periodic table right? There's not even a 'K' in 'Potassium', I mean, what's that all about?)
I'm signing for a banana using my monkey sign language and I guess a few of the more sensitive patrons thought my 'banana' sign was a tad bit crude and offensive.
So now the whole place is pretty much in an uproar, Lydia grabs my arm and hisses through her teeth, "I am so embarrassed. We're leaving now." Well, being a monkey I still couldn't understand her, but she had bared her teeth, which I interpreted as a sign of aggression and I guess I just lost it.
With all of the other patrons in a state of panic there was no calming me down. I was jumping on tables, throwing things, cursing at the top of my monkey lungs, and roaring like a lion (amidst the chaos of the restaurant I may have forgotten exactly what animal Lydia had told me I was) So you see your honor, I can hardly be blamed for all the damages.
4 comments:
YES.
This made me flashback to the good old Logger Blogger days - days filled with robots, penguins, Mondrian, and crudely photo-shopped geography jokes. It's been too long since those days - and I've needed some good Logger-induced absurdist humor in my life.
Also. Is Lydia real? Am I out of the loop?
Love this.
I've told you a thousand times, just dump her she's not worth it.
That's political allegory, right? At any rate, take your meds, dude.
Potassium has the symbol K because it comes from the Latin word kalium.
dumb arse monkey. don't you know that everything stems from Latin?
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